


All or Nothing

by miangel29



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 15:43:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15222419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miangel29/pseuds/miangel29
Summary: Kihyun wanted to share his feelings with the world, wanted the world to know what he felt in his heart, wanted to be proud of his love.Hyunwoo thought too much of what everything would cost, of how big the risks were.





	All or Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there~  
> New here, but I've been a longtime writer since the days of fanfiction.com (I think that was the name?) and livejournal with various fandoms. This is my first Monsta X fic and I have a couple of others in the works.  
> I haven't been writing for quite a number of years; this is my first actual return to publishing any work. Do let me know what you think as I do work on feedback. Also, I apologize for the angst -- it's kind of my forte :(  
> Enjoy!

In hindsight, they should have read the signs and talked through the matter before the inevitable imploded.

But that was the weird thing about relationships, wasn’t it? Two people simply basking in the fortune that they were compatible, their feelings mutually reciprocated, and they shared a fondness for each other’s company. It seemed trivial to dwell on complications when happiness came so easily. Nevertheless, it was a disaster long in the making, preventable had early precautions been taken.

The moment came at an otherwise uneventful day, one where the hours would have passed without much thought other than it being a welcome breather between the band’s demanding schedule. In a rare celebration of freedom, the seven men had dispersed, promising to return before sunset in preparation for the morning’s grueling return to work. More accurately, five men had dispersed, while two chose to stay indoors and enjoy some well-needed rest.

It had been Hyunwoo’s idea to stay in. An opportunity to spend some quality time together without any interruptions nor distractions. Kihyun had wanted to tail Changkyun and Jooheon to make sure they stayed alive (his exact words) but relented once Hyunwoo assured him they were only going to the movies. That was how they ended up cooking their own lunch (thankfully with not much of an incident – they were keen on not having a repeat of the manager burst into the apartment angrily just because they set the fire alarm off by accident) and putting a movie on in the living room television afterwards.

It was nothing extraordinary. Domestic, if anything. Something they almost never got to do given the rather discreet nature of their relationship (perhaps discreet was not the right term – it was simply out of necessity that they did not publicize their relationship for fear of public repercussions). It was definitely something Kihyun could get used to.

When the apartment door opened later that evening, Jooheon and Changkyun stepping in to raucous laughter and enthusiastic review of the movie, Kihyun thought not much of it, too content to be worried about anything. He’d just returned from unpacking a packet of chips into a bowl for he and Hyunwoo to munch on.

“Hey guys, how was the movie?” Kihyun asked, plopping himself back onto the couch right next to Hyunwoo, the soft dip making him topple slightly onto Hyunwoo’s side.

As Jooheon and Changkyun launched into an animated recount of the movie’s plot and captivating visual effects, Kihyun frowned at the way Hyunwoo made a deliberate effort to set a distance between himself and Kihyun.

Kihyun threw a questioning look at Hyunwoo, who either refused to meet his gaze or hadn’t noticed, keeping his eyes on the TV screen, only reaching over to grab a handful of chips.

Jooheon and Changkyun were still narrating, almost reenacting their favourite scenes, oblivious to the exchange occurring on the couch. Kihyun inched closer to Hyunwoo, sidling right beside him and reaching out to place a hand on his thigh.

Hyunwoo shifted away once more, slapping Kihyun’s hand away, upending the bowl of chips onto the floor in the process. It would have been impossible for Jooheon and Changkyun to miss that. Their abrupt stop in storytelling exarcebated the tense silence that followed, filled only by the sound of the running television. Kihyun stared at Hyunwoo who, despite all eyes being on him, refused to divert his attention away from the television screen, although evidently not really watching anything.

The moment could only have lasted seconds, but to an observer, it was like watching a volcano unfurl its eruption. Kihyun’s hands began to tremble, the pink tinge to his face burned a deep amber, the brightness in his eyes transformed into a strong blaze of intense, unadulterated rage. For a moment it seemed Kihyun would throw a punch at Hyunwoo, but by some miraculous strength of will, he managed to maintain his composure enough to subdue himself to storming out of the living room, slamming the door to his bedroom as he went.

Hyunwoo let out a breath, his head dropping, his hands clasped tightly together. Jooheon and Changkyun were good at uplifting moods, but as the youngest two in the group, they knew little about diffusing tense situations. The two exchanged worried looks before making their way quietly into the kitchen, quietly agreeing to never speak of this incident ever again, and hoping that things would sort themselves out by morning.

***

It didn’t.

Minhyuk first realized something was severely wrong when it was the manager that woke him up in an almost panicked state. He managed to pull himself out of bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, trying to make sense of the pandemonium, only to watch Hyungwon being physically dragged out of his bed in a half-conscious state.

It wasn’t until he was seated in the van, clothes haphazardly put on and hair barely kept down, that he noticed an essential limb missing in the Monsta X anatomy.

“Where’s Kihyun?” Minhyuk pondered aloud.

As if only just noticing the absence, the others glanced around checking the van as though Kihyun would pop up from under the seats. The only exception was Hyunwoo, who remained stoically unmoving in the passenger seat, his head rested on his leaning arm on the window.

The manager grumbled incessantly as he stepped into the driver’s seat (after almost having to, again, physically heave a still-heavily sedated Hyungwon into the van). “He left early to practice on his own and only sent me a text _this morning_!” He started the van. “I swear if I didn’t know better, I’d have thought he did this on purpose.” He paused as he backed out onto the street. “He’s supposed to be the responsible one out of you lot, damnit!”

Minhyuk glanced at the passenger seat, a little disconcerted that Hyunwoo remained silent and still. While a muted Hyunwoo was nothing out of the ordinary, an inert Hyunwoo was definitely uncharacteristic. Dancer’s restlessness, they would call it – essentially a constant, almost reflexive need to move, however confined the space may be. More than that, Hyunwoo almost always spoke up in defense of his members, no matter how slight the insinuation. Kihyun, in particular, was someone he’d speak up for.

Minhyuk shrunk back in his seat, his gut churning with the uneasiness associated with the knowledge that something bad had happened. He missed the worried looks the rappers exchanged, simply dreading the knowledge that it was only a matter of time before things went south.

Although he fervently wished his gut feeling was wrong, Minhyuk knew that the storm was only just starting to brew.

***

There was a reason they were proclaimed the “parents”. Far from any actual paternal or maternal role, Kihyun and Hyunwoo brought a dynamic that balanced out the group in such a way to ensure smooth teamwork. Where Hyunwoo was non-confrontational, Kihyun was straightforward, addressing issues to the core and resolving them almost instantly before they festered into complications and resentment. Where Kihyun was empathic, Hyunwoo was sympathetic, the duo almost impeccable in reaching out to their group mates when signs of stress or pressure began to take form. The group worked so well because Kihyun and Hyunwoo essentially provided such a familial environment for everyone else that nobody ever questioned their bond together.

When the balance tipped, so did the harmony that came contingent upon it.

“Hyung…hyuuuuuung!” Changkyun looked close to desperation as he tugged on Minhyuk’s jacket sleeve. “He won’t leave me alone.”

Changkyun glanced a look over his shoulder at Kihyun who had just stepped into the waiting room, eyes roving around before landing on a petrified Changkyun and smiling broadly. “Hyung, help!” he begged, eyes wide at Minhyuk as Kihyun almost skipped in their direction.

Before Minhyuk could say anything, Kihyun already had Changkyun in a headlock and was dragging him elsewhere, hand ruffling his hair. Kihyun wondered whether Changkyun would perish from the chokehold or the immense coddling Kihyun had been doing to him since their arrival at the broadcasting station. From the look of utter terror on Changkyun’s face, it seemed he would be ready to finish himself off first before any of those possibilities took place.

Minhyuk looked around the room at the others. It was comedically tragic how forlorn Jooheon looked at having his best buddy being quite literally hogged. Jooheon could have easily approached another member to joke around with or talk to, but Minhyuk knew that he had a particular affinity to stick very close to Changkyun before each of their stage performances. Something like a rapper bonding moment that always, _always_ translated to breathtaking chemistry between their two youngest members on stage.

Hyungwon had never fully woken up, having not actually been properly woken up, and was now dozing off again on Hoseok’s shoulder by the vanity mirrors. Hoseok looked torn between moving away yet not wanting to wake Hyungwon, but Minhyuk could tell the restlessness was doing horrible things to Hoseok’s anxiety. Usually, he would be able to shake off his nervousness by practicing mini routines with Hyunwoo, his mind distracted as he would let his body familiarize itself with the confidence of knowing that he was ready for the performance.

Hyunwoo, on the other hand, had barely moved from his seat in the middle of an otherwise large couch, fingers laced together, eyes loyally tailing Kihyun’s every single move. It had to have been impossible that Kihyun had not noticed Hyunwoo watching him, but Minhyuk knew this was largely and intentionally being ignored. Hyunwoo’s biceps clenched and unclenched as though part of him was itching to move yet another part of him exerted strength to hold him back.

Needless to say, their performance was an absolute disaster: Jooheon messed up lyrics he had always effortlessly rapped, Hoseok almost tripped over everyone as though he’d lost control of his two feet, Changkyun kept getting elbowed or accidentally hit by someone, Hyungwon looked simply lost, Kihyun’s voice broke at even the most modest of verses, and Hyunwoo seemed so distracted, he almost fell off the stage. Minhyuk managed to survive, unscathed.

Had it not been a rehearsal stage, they might have gotten more than an exasperated reprimand from their manager, who attributed their mess to the fact that they’d relaxed too much during their time off the day before. The manager sent them back to the studio, ordering an indefinite practice session until he was convinced that they were taking this stage seriously.

“Hyung, can I talk to you?”

Hyunwoo blinked twice before it registered in his mind that Minhyuk was looking at him and talking to him.

“What?”

Minhyuk cast a glance at the other men sprawled in every corner of the practice room, mostly chancing a look at Kihyun who seemed occupied, once again, with coddling an unwilling Changkyun.

Minhyuk grabbed Hyunwoo’s arm and lead him out of the practice studio. “Hyung, we need to talk.”

Hyunwoo’s gaze never left Kihyun until the door of the studio closed behind them.

Minhyuk lightly punched Hyunwoo’s arm to get his attention. “Hyung, what the hell?”

Hyunwoo looked down at Minhyuk, eyebrows raised in question. “What do you mean?”

“Are you kidding me?” Minhyuk almost shrilled. “You! And Kihyun! What the hell is going on?”

This seemed to effectively capture Hyunwoo’s attention. His cheeks became intensely red but his eyes were finally on Minhyuk. “Th-there’s nothing going on between me and K-Ki-Kihyun. Wh-what are you talking about? We’re friends. Bandmates. He’s the lead vocal. He’s–I–we–we’re friends.”

Minhyuk would have laughed at how transparently obvious Hyunwoo was being if the situation wasn’t so dire.

“You’re kidding, right?” Minhyuk said.

Hyunwoo’s eyes widened almost enough to rival Hyungwon. “What? No. Why would I–? Why would you think–? He’s my friend. He’s your friend. We’re bandmates. We’re Monsta X.”

For a moment, Minhyuk wondered why Hyunwoo was so adamant in his denial, as futile as his attempts were. And then it dawned on Minhyuk.

“Hyung,” he began carefully, “you do realize that we–Hoseok-hyung, Hyungwon, Jooheon and even Changkyun–all know that you and Kihyun are together.”

Minhyuk paused before cautiously asking, reaffirming:

“You know that, right?”

The look of sheer horrified shock on Hyunwoo’s face was almost comical. It was all the confirmation Minhyuk needed and if it had been at any other instance, he would have made a point of facepalming and commenting on how utterly hopeless the couple were. They were a group of seven men who spent almost every waking (and sleeping) hours together, who had seen both the best and worst of each other and still managed to deal with it; the other five would have to had been completely blind to not see the romantic involvement of the two fan-acclaimed “parents”. Minhyuk was even willing to bet the managers knew, but chose to feign ignorance.

But a matter of more urgent nature was currently more at issue than the arrogant belief Hyunwoo held that his and Kihyun’s relationship managed to maintain its anynomity. And this was an issue that required immediate damage control.

“OK, sure, whatever, you and Kihyun aren’t together, sure,” Minhyuk waved off, trying his hardest to keep the exasperation out of his voice, “but something is not right between the two of you. Something is _off_.”

Hyunwoo opened his mouth to protest, but Minhyuk was quick to continue.

“Look, I don’t care what happened between you two. Deny it all you want, I really don’t care. But Kihyun is angry at you for some reason and it’s affecting the rest of the group. You saw that rehearsal stage. We’re lucky nobody injured themselves seriously but I am willing to bet we are one rehearsal away from someone getting a black eye—and that’s if we’re lucky.” Minhyuk’s anger began to rise, a finger accusingly pointing at Hyunwoo’s chest. “You. Better. Fix. This.” He paused, adding, “hyung,” to remind Hyunwoo that despite everything, he still held the older man’s leadership in high regard.

Minhyuk gave Hyunwoo one last warning look, an opportunity for Hyunwoo to speak, more than anything. He didn’t, mind quite evidently burrowed deeply in his own thoughts. Minhyuk saw no other reason to stay, thinking it would be best to leave Hyunwoo be and allow him to take in Minhyuk’s words. He gave Hyunwoo a reassuring pat on his shoulder, hoping it conveyed a little encouragement.

Neither one noticed the prying eyes watching them intently from an open door in the hallway.

***

Hoping for a quick fix would have been wistful, but Minhyuk did not think things would drag on for longer than a week. They were now closing into a month. The group could barely get through practice sessions let alone actual stage performances. They had no major nor minor incidents that endangered the members, but it was apparent that their spark was lost on stage. They were now performing for the sake of performing.

Hyungwon’s sleeping schedule was so messed up without Kihyun being his regular morning alarm that his drowsy crankiness became a constant, much to everyone’s own irritation (contrary to popular belief, Hyungwon was quite the mood maker, cracking more jokes and being generally more funny than any other member—even Jooheon!). More than anyone, this had affected Hoseok, who, after the third time Hyungwon had snapped at him, had become so reserved and quiet, adopting an almost fidgety nature that carried onto the stage as well. Jooheon was perhaps equally, if not more, jittery than Hoseok, having so much pent up energy that he could not healthily project to anyone, the spark in his eyes always faltering whenever he’d turn to look for Changkyun (presumably to share an inside joke) only to find their youngest member still forcefully caged by Kihyun. Changkyun himself looked the worse for wear: eyebags heavy, complexion pale, body visibly tired from being dragged around quite literally _everywhere_ by Kihyun.

It had gotten to the point where Minhyuk could feel the group’s anticipation for the end of their promotions and to spend time away from one another.

To Hyunwoo’s credit, it seemed like he did try. While it wasn’t clearly apparent what the ordeal had been, but Minhyuk had seen Hyunwoo make very conscious, deliberate, and constant efforts to approach Kihyun. He had watched as Hyunwoo would stand closer to Kihyun in their line-up, make sure he was seated next to Kihyun during fanmeetings (or usher away whoever was next to Kihyun if he had to), but most surprisingly of all, Hyunwoo would initiate physical contact with Kihyun, whether it be a grasp of his hand, an arm on his shoulder or around his waist, a general closeness in physical proximity that bordered on almost intimate.

Or, at least, Hyunwoo attempted to do this.

If it hadn’t been apparent before, there was certainly no denying it now. Kihyun’s relentless evasion of Hyunwoo’s efforts, the way he would dodge away and find another member to stand by or hang around closely to, or grab onto a microphone or other item to keep his hands occupied, it was evident that Kihyun wanted as much distance between himself and Hyunwoo. The tension, the gaping and growing chasm between the two was quite literally tearing the group apart and Minhyuk was beginning to lose hope that a resolution would ever be feasible. He would have approached Kihyun as well if he hadn’t been actively avoiding Minhyuk as much (or perhaps moreso) than Hyunwoo, for reasons Minhyuk could not fathom.

Options and strategies ran through Minhyuk’s mind as they sat in yet another broadcasting waiting room, desperation sinking in as the fear of the company noticing their underwhelming performance and the probability that a disastrous stage could happen at any moment, began to set in. He had come close to the conclusion that perhaps it was time to inform the managers and have them step in to resolve the issue with an iron fist, when suddenly:

“THAT. IS. IT!”

It was Jooheon.

“I’VE HAD ENOUGH!”

There was a small tussle where Jooheon tried to grab Changkyun by the waist and pull him away from Kihyun’s hold. Minhyuk was sure that had Changkyun been lighter or if Jooheon had been bigger, he would have hauled their youngest member onto his shoulder like a bag of rice. Instead, he managed to pull Changkyun out of the enclosure that was Kihyun’s cocooning arms and set himself as a human barrier in front of Changkyun.

“THAT’S IT! I DON’T CARE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON BETWEEN YOU AND HYUNWOO BUT I WON’T LET YOU USE CHANGKYUN AS YOUR THERAPY DOG TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF! YOU’RE TEARING THE GROUP APART AND YOU’RE TOO SELFISH TO EVEN REALIZE IT!” Jooheon whirled around to face Hyunwoo, who had been seated in a chair in the other corner of the room. “BOTH OF YOU.” Jooheon released a huge breath before turning on his heel, hand grabbing Changkyun’s in the process, saying, in a much calmer tone with what was probably a hint of affection, “Come on, Changkyun-ah. We’ve got a rap to practice.”

Changkyun almost tripped in his haste to follow Jooheon’s pace out of the waiting room, his face blushing a deep red that he tried to quickly hide underneath his fringe.

It was a telltale sign of how serious things had gotten that nobody stopped Jooheon nor reprimanded him from dropping the honorifics in speaking to the older members. The room became silent, but Minhyuk could have sworn he saw some of the tension dissipate, as if Jooheon’s outcry had woken them up from a nightmarish stupor. Hyungwon visibly made an effort to approach a still-anxious Hoseok, a reassuring hand squeezing his shaking ones and a small smile restoring a fracture of calmness in Hoseok’s features. Hyunwoo definitely thought it was the best opportunity to give things another shot, making his way towards Kihyun who had remained frozen in his seat during and after the outburst. Hyunwoo’s movements, however, brought Kihyun back to full awareness of his surroundings and he left the room before Hyunwoo even made it halfway through to him.

The two rappers were not seen again until right before they had to be on stage. Jooheon refused to make eye contact with anyone and his right hand had Changkyun’s left hand in an almost possessive grip, as though he was daring anyone to come between the two again. The other five steered clear of the two, standing awkwardly in a dispersed group, looking as though they were strangers rather than members of the same idol group. One good thing had come out of this though: the spark that was the rappers brought the stage alive, an irrefutable, almost magical chemistry between the two that masked any other shortcomings the group may have had.

Relieved as he was, Minhyuk knew this was merely a temporary relief. The core of the problem was not just their rappers being able to show a cohesive stage; it ran much, much deeper than that. And without a proper resolution, another outburst from Jooheon might do little to diffuse the mounting tension. Veering even closer now to seriously consider informing their manager and asking for help (truth be told, this was his absolute last resort because the manager would then have to report to the company and getting the company involved had a 50-50 risk of being either successful or absolutely disastrous), it was with great relief to Minhyuk that Hyunwoo came to him shortly after their stage performance with a plan in mind.

***

Getting Hyungwon and Hoseok on board with the plan took little to no effort. Jooheon and Changkyun would have been pulled into it as well had they not immediately left on their own upon setting foot off the van. Perhaps ‘plan’ was quite an overstatement too considering it had one simple goal in mind: get Kihyun alone with Hyunwoo to sort things out. If truth be told, Minhyuk had little faith in such a simple plan, but having no other option, he thought it best to pray Hyunwoo knew what he was doing.

“What the–what in the world–WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Kihyun struggling was expected, but apparently his bark was far worse than his bite. Minhyuk and Hyungwon could have easily manhandled Kihyun on their own without Hoseok. If anything, their eardrums were in danger of breaking from Kihyun’s loud and pitchy yells of protest. It was fortunate their neighbours ran scarce, for fear that the scene could seem like an attempted abduction.

The trio managed to get Kihyun into his and Minhyuk’s shared bedroom (Minhyuk’s contribution to the plan, because Hyunwoo had initially wanted to use their _bathroom_ , reasoning that they could stay for as long as they wanted without worrying about bodily fluid concerns—suffice to say, this did not bolster Minhyuk’s confidence in Hyunwoo’s plan). A bolt had been haphazardly (but still strongly so) been put in place from the outside (also Minhyuk’s idea, one Hyunwoo had to execute rather speedily before the kidnapping crew got Kihyun back in the dorm), easily sliding and locking into place once the door was pulled closed.

“LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!” Kihyun yelled, banging the door and pulling the handle in futility, both because the door barely budged and that Minhyuk had promptly left, ushering Hyungwon and Hoseok with him to get food, the key to the bolt safely secure in his pocket.

Kihyun remained persistent. “Lee Minhyuk, I swear to God you will pay for this! I KNOW YOU’RE BEHIND THIS, LEE MINHYUK! CHAE HYUNGWON, HOSEOK-HYUNG, DON’T THINK YOU’RE OFF THE HOOK EITHER!”

“Actually, this was my idea.”

Kihyun’s hand paused in mid-bang, his entire body freezing and a paralyzing feeling of foreboding running through him. The sound of shifting sheets let Kihyun know that Hyunwoo had risen, soft steps told Kihyun that he was moving towards him. He could almost sense the heat emanating from Hyunwoo’s presence, trailing closer and closer to him. With each step he took, Kihyun’s breath quickened, his heart thrumming, his very soul seeming all too ready to be reunited with its other half once again.

And, if he was honest, he really wanted to. Kihyun wanted things to just go back to how they were, when things were comfortable, simple, and so, so easy. It had been almost a month, but to Kihyun it felt like each torturous second without Hyunwoo stretched on for a lifetime. Oh how he wanted nothing more than to fall back onto those secure arms and let Hyunwoo engulf him in the comfort of his embrace. He was tempted, oh so tempted to do so, especially when he could feel Hyunwoo halt a mere half-a-foot behind him, unsure and afraid to take the last step forward.

It was ironic, though, that the bubbling anger returned just then, just as Hyunwoo reached out a hand to hold Kihyun’s hovering one.

“No.” Kihyun’s voice trembled.

Hyunwoo’s hand paused. “What?”

“No, Hyunwoo, NO!”

The element of surprise played well to Kihyun’s advantage. In any other circumstance, it would have been near impossible for him to push Hyunwoo so effectively away from him that he tumbled back onto Minhyuk’s bed. From the startled look in Hyunwoo’s eyes, he was equally as stunned at Kihyun’s show of strength. The shift of dominance only fed Kihyun’s boiling rage, his voice livid in wrath, venomous in the tone he spat out, his usually endearing face distorted to something almost unrecognizable.

“You don’t get to just hold my hand and think everything will be OK,” he said, stepping closer to a disconcerted Hyunwoo. “You don’t get to think that initiating some skinship in public will solve everything.”

It was safe to say that Hyunwoo had never been more scared in his life with Kihyun looming over him; a man that was a head shorter than him, weighing close to half his weight, and, from experience, with barely enough strength to overpower Hyunwoo even if he had had one hand tied behind his back. But right now, Hyunwoo felt a deep-seated fear sink into his gut. A fear that things had gone beyond the point of reconciliation and that he had ruined one of the—if not _the_ —best things he had in his life. A fear that he had broken the one heart he had promised to safeguard.

“Do you even really care, Hyunwoo?” Kihyun asked, form shaking yet stable. “Did you even care enough about _us_?”

Hyunwoo watched angry tears run in streams down Kihyun’s face, his own heart aching painfully. “Kihyun, I tried–.”

The punch to his left cheek could have been dodged if he hadn’t been so distraught at seeing Kihyun cry. Even if it had been so, Hyunwoo would not have evaded it. Kihyun seemed quite as surprised as he was that he’d swung a fist with such deliberation that a red swelling began to form on Hyunwoo’s cheekbone.

“Hit me again,” Hyunwoo said, eyes focused on the floor.

Kihyun frowned, his tears no longer flowing. “What?”

“Hit me again,” Hyunwoo repeated, still refusing to look up, “if it’ll make you feel better.”

Kihyun stepped back. “What makes you think hitting you again would make me feel better?”

Hyunwoo looked up, a hand going to his reddening cheek. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I can never seem to know what makes you feel better. I just keep messing up and ruining everything.”

Their eyes met and Hyunwoo searched, _searched_ for any cues on what he was supposed to do, how he was supposed to make amends, but all he saw was the same broken betrayal and hurt he’d seen in Kihyun’s eyes that fateful day that began all of this.

“I’m sorry,” Hyunwoo said softly. “I know it’s probably too late, but I’m sorry.”

Kihyun visibly deflated at the apology, whatever remnants of anger he may have had, evaporating out of him. His breathing steadied, his fists unclenched, and he fell, unceremoniously, sitting cross-legged, on the floor.

Without breaking eye contact, Hyunwoo scooted off the bed and joined Kihyun, cross-legged, on the floor, though respecting the gap that remained between them.

“What did Minhyuk tell you to do?” Kihyun asked accusingly.

Hyunwoo blinked. “I told you: this was my idea, not Minhyuk’s. He and the others just helped.”

Kihyun’s fingers twitched, his gaze dangerously sharp. “I saw you two talking, the day after we fought.” Kihyun’s voice grew terribly deep. “Don’t tell me it was a coincidence that only after that talk, you have constantly been trying to initiate physical contact with me.”

Hyunwoo’s mind spun, recalling the first time Minhyuk had pulled him away to confront him. “Well he did tell me to fix the problem, but—.”

Kihyun’s face flushed red with anger again, his voice rising. “So you won’t even hold my hand in front of Jooheon and Changkyun, but you were happy to blab about our relationship to Minhyuk the moment he asked?!”

He began to stand, ire rippling through his being. Hyunwoo caught his arm before he could fully rise, fingers gripping lightly but in no way forceful. Kihyun could have pulled his arm away easily if he wanted to, but the touch, the gentleness of it, more than anything, left him compliant. With more of his free will than any cajoling from Hyunwoo’s hold, Kihyun sat back down, eyes questioning Hyunwoo.

“Kihyun, I think he already knew,” Hyunwoo began slowly. “I think the rest of the group knows.”

There was no other way to describe the look on Kihyun’s face other than absolute and utter defeat. His mouth hung open slightly, eyes roving Hyunwoo’s, the slump in his body all the more apparent. When he finally managed to find his voice again, it was hoarse and faint:

“Then why are we hiding, Hyunwoo?” he asked, voice laced with so much withheld pain, the call of Hyunwoo’s name almost a plea.

Hyunwoo dropped his hold on Kihyun’s arm, trailing it down to his fingers, touch ever so light, but comforting and warm.

“I was scared, Ki,” he admitted. “You know more than anyone how much is at stake for me here. It’d be too late for me to start all over again.”

Kihyun’s eyes narrowed. “So your career is more important than us?”

Hyunwoo sighed. “You know that’s not what I mean,” he said. “You and I both know how much we wanted this: to be on stage, to perform, to make music, to make our family, friends, and fans happy. You and I both know we would have given an arm and leg for this opportunity we have in our hands now. If the company ever found out about us and–.”

“The company wouldn’t care,” Kihyun interjected. “Not unless they fear lashback from our fans. And you know, better than anyone, that our fans would support us, no matter what.”

There was skepticism in Hyunwoo’s face, a worry that seemed to flash with the fears and memories of his past.

“Hyunwoo,” Kihyun called out softly, hand reaching out for his face, “are you ashamed of me?”

Somewhere in the pits of Hyunwoo’s guts, a heavy weight dropped. It brought with it, a tightening in his chest. Kihyun was far from a confident man; his persona of self-appraisal portrayed on screen was, if anything, words of reassurances to himself than any actual projection of his inner confidence. A psychological placebo he learned to impose upon himself that had worked marvelously in building his stage and on-camera presence.

They all had issues of insecurity, but Kihyun…Kihyun’s way of dealing with it was by burying it deep, deep underneath a self-mantra of positivity. The problem with this was that the people closest to Kihyun, the people he most trusted, those people got to see the tiny, fragile being entombed in the depths of Kihyun’s personality layers. And it was these people that were most prone to truly hitting Kihyun where it hurt the most. Unsurprisingly, Hyunwoo had been entrusted to cradle this fragile part of Kihyun most tenderly. And now Hyunwoo felt like he’d just crumpled it like it was mere trash.

“No, Ki, of course I’m not ashamed of you,” Hyunwoo assured, hoping his conviction got through to the crumbling man before him. “I could never be ashamed of you.”

“Then why do you care what other people think?” Kihyun questioned, voice losing both strength and composure. “Why does it matter?”

At this point, Hyunwoo was grasping at straws. He was fighting a losing battle. “Kihyun, it’s complicated. It’s not that easy.”

“And yet the moment Minhyuk tells you to do something, it _does_ become that easy for you? Even though I’ve spent months trying to get you to do the same? You listen to him but not me?”

“Minhyuk was just trying to help, Ki. Our fight was affecting the group and–.”

“Look, Hyunwoo,” Kihyun cut off, eyes glassy, voice still soft, but expression determined, “are you in this with me or not?”

Hyunwoo’s eyes widened, taken aback by Kihyun’s sudden question. It sounded like an ultimatum.

“I want to be with you. And not just when the doors are closed. I want to be with you all the time. And I don’t mean that we have to publicly announce our relationship to the whole world, but I just don’t want to keep having to hold myself back when I need you the most, just because other people are around.” He took a deep breath. “But if you don’t think it’s worth the risk—if you don’t think _I’m_ worth the risk—then I don’t want to waste my time.”

It _was_ an ultimatum.

“I love you, Hyunwoo. I love you so much,” Kihyun said, pausing to bite his lip and swallow his emotions. “But I can learn to unlove.”

It was so easy. The answer was so easy. But Hyunwoo found himself struggling to say the words, his heart frantic to respond, but his voice refusing to cooperate.

Kihyun slowly found his heart breaking.

***

The turnout of that afternoon had not been what anyone had expected. Least of all Minhyuk, who was convinced the other five would return to an unbearably clingy Kihyun and Hyunwoo (he had been ready with a set of ground rules on acceptable PDA in the common areas). Clearly, they were both sad (perhaps the understatement of the year, in Minhyuk’s opinion) and there was a lot of awkward scuffling between the two for a couple of days. However, whatever they had agreed upon, it seemed to be mutual and they had, at the very least, worked very hard to remain civil with one another, albeit still a little distant.

If the others noticed anything different between Kihyun and Hyunwoo afterwards, they stayed silent. There was really nothing else they could do, nothing more they needed to do now that things had pretty much returned to normal, or so to say. The group returned to its balanced dynamics and things seemed to have sorted itself out. Nobody sought the issue further.

Minhyuk was probably the only one that noticed the missed glances Kihyun and Hyunwoo constantly threw at each other, the fidgeting fingers as one watched the other initiate “fan service” with another member, the never wavering gaze one had when the other was being put on the spotlight, the almost giddy yet proud smile that broke over one face when the other received appraisal from fans.

Although, judging from his twitter stalking endeavours, and its many, _many_ screen captures and gifs made by fans, Minhyuk was not alone in his observations.

Minhyuk could only hope that time was all they needed.

***

 


End file.
